I have always tried to be honest and open on this website. I make jokes about pretty much everything to cope with things going on in my life that you don't know about because I choose not to tell you about it. Recently things have been...bad. Like, really bad for me. They involve not only myself but people I thought were going to stick by me for a very long time. They didn't. One I chose to let go of for so many reasons and the other chose to let go of me in a very public manner that was pretty humiliating to say the least.

Now because I'm a nice person this post isn't going to be about how some people who hurt you can be whiny and bitchy assholes. This is going to be about me and how I am trying to handle things because deep down I know that even if I don't always put myself first or care about myself as much as I should, I have to eventually. Putting yourself first is incredibly important and I am learning to do that, one step at a time.

I will start this whole thing by saying things have been rough for months. I am eventually going to lose my part time job and my hours have already been cut. Is it ironic that I found this out right after getting a new car I desperately needed? Yes, it is. I have not been able to find much of anything and I am so incredibly scared. I have been rejected mostly after just sending in applications, but I have gotten rejected after phone interviews and in person interviews, too. I would love it if I could find a job doing something creative that I actually enjoy doing, but I have no idea how to get anywhere with this. I have had a very hard time trying to get through this and I have been in a very long depressive episode, one of my longest in years.

A couple of months ago I lost a friend, one that was a best friend for a long time. I have no idea what actually happened but I know that things got very bad very fast, and I don't just mean our friendship disappeared fast. I mean that I spiraled. I am not comfortable sharing what happened that caused me so much pain, but I will let you know that I have never felt treatment like that, even back in high school when I was constantly bullied and harassed, in person and on the internet. I didn't know people just stopped caring in the blink of an eye and started hating you even quicker than that. I am someone who is very affected by other people's opinions of me. If someone hates me I jump to "everyone hates me and no one will ever love you ever again", because my anxiety is a bitch.

At this point my depressive episode has gotten so much worse I don't know what else to do. I ended up trying something and I do think it's been helping a bit. I have been taking Charlotte's Web Everyday Hemp Oil, two doses a day every day for almost 3 weeks now. I do think it's been helping me to relax and get some rest. It was CBD based so it is mainly for pain related things and not getting stoned. It has helped me a lot with my migraines and constant shoulder/neck pain by actually helping me to rest. It isn't to solve my problems, but to help me to feel better physically and mentally.

To top all of this off, my fiancée and I have split up. Things weren't the best for a long time and I had been dealing with a lot on top of the fact that I wasn't very happy already. After a while I didn't feel like I could turn to him or really anyone else without feeling extremely judged and terrible about myself. So life is very different for me now. I have two people out of my life, the anxious "you're going to be a huge failure" feelings hanging over me, and just an overall feeling of ick.

My podcast is still up and running and it's been helping me get through things, just being able to talk and have fun while doing it. I also went to the NYC Pride parade on Sunday and that was particularly great. It felt different being around so many people who were there just to feel included and loved. I felt the love, being as I am pansexual and recently discovered I am genderfluid. I think that that also had an impact on my relationships and self esteem/self worth. I was living in secret for so long and now that I'm not afraid to be myself I do feel a thousand times lighter, even if I had to go through a lot to figure out who I really am.

Anyway, I guess that was an update. If you like that sky picture I took it in the parking lot at Shop Rite last Friday after a rough shopping experience that included some punk ass teenage boys, but that's a story for another post. My podcast goes up every Thursday and you can find it on the Girl Meets Mars site or iTunes. If you made it this far into this long depressing post, thank you and I love you.