CONFIDENCE! I HAVE SOME NOW!
Confidence is something I struggle with. I never seem to have any and it sucks. It's hard to feel like you're just in the background blending in while all eyes are on the attractive funny people in front of you. Over the past few months I've started to see things in me I never saw before. Since I started taking classes at UCB I've thought of myself as funny. I always thought I was kind of funny but not anyone that you'd stop to listen to. I think a lot of that has come from performing in front of a crowd a few times and having my parents come up to me after saying "You were so funny! I'm so proud of you!". Knowing that my parents think of me as funny and entertaining means the world to me. It's really all the approval I need to keep going at the whole comedy thing.
I've NEVER found myself to be attractive. It was always a downer to hang out with my girl friends only because boys looked at them differently then they looked at me. Boys liked talking to me but they didn't seem to like looking at me like some of my other friends who are pretty. I got bullied a lot in middle school and high school and was called ugly by boys. Not all boys, but by a select group who picked on everyone. It really got to me and for a while I was convinced that I was unattractive. When I got out of high school I was still called the "funny" one by one of my friends who was dubbed the "hot" one by all the boys we knew. I was always in her shadow. Boys wanted to flirt with her and be with her while I just watched and made jokes in the background. People laughed but it made me sad to only be seen as someone who made jokes and not someone that people thought was interesting or good looking. I was the person you talked to when you were waiting to talk to my hot friend.
Last year my "hot" friend and I had a falling out and we stopped talking for several months. Without her around I wasn't in anyone's shadow. I was my own person. I got into fashion and started dressing a lot nicer and I started doing pretty things with my hair. I finally found myself attractive. I could finally look in the mirror and think "I look good!" instead of "I guess this is alright". I started to gain confidence in my looks and magically boys started to talk to me. I had hardly changed in appearance, I was just happy with how I looked now with these minor tweaks. When I talked to these boys who found me attractive they also found me interesting, almost like I had always been interesting. It was because I had always been interesting. I know I'll never be the "hot" one in any of my friendships, but I will always be the "funny" and "interesting" one that was also pretty.
It doesn't matter if you don't think you're "super hot". What matters is that you like yourself the way that you are. I know I'm not "super hot" by the world's definition, but I do think I'm pretty and beautiful in my own way which includes having a pretty decent personality. I have confidence in my looks and self now just the way I am and I don't feel the need to change myself anymore. And if you ask me having confidence is the definition of "super hot".